Well. I did have a beautiful birthday. Thanks to my wonderful family and friends it was so very wonderful. Husband and children did me so proud, I cannot love them or praise them enough. My lovely lovelies in ThatLondon counted me in to this new age, and I staggered home in the morning, no longer a girl, but still not a bloody woman either. Am still waiting to grow up, and have realised that, if I am still stuck in this netherworld between child and adult after all I have experienced in my life, then it's probably never going to happen now. If meningitis and violation haven't done it, if age and misery haven't done it, then I suppose I am a puddle dancing half child forever. There are worse things I could be.
I think.
I was surrounded by most of my vast family, and my heart did sparkle to see them all drinking wine in the Eden that husband and I created, my children playing with their cousins, all of us tasting the sweet corn I pulled from the stalk seconds before, which is apparently a foodie bucket list winner. It was so sweet as to curl the teeth, but it is something to have been done, and done it I have.
In the evening we went out with my old friends, from school, work, life, and it was so wonderful, sitting in the pub garden, drinking, smiling, talking, catching up. In those moments, days like that day, it's very easy to forget how empty and vacant my heart and soul are, because I feel so full of love, for others, and from others, that waking with the ennui is always a shock. "But I was human yesterday! I was happy! I felt! I was loved!"
What the fuck is wrong with me? This stupid, useless half child that I am? Is this how adrenaline junkies and other addicts are made? Why, why, don't I work properly? Am I irredeemably broken?
Or can I be fixed? I'm doing all I can to try and fix myself, honest I am, truly I am.
I just want to be mended. No more, and no less.
I think that we all believe one day we will be grown up and life will fall into place. It does not seem to happen. I still feel about 14 inside most of the time. Just with a 50 year old carapace, which helps. Don't be hard on yourself - in fact be kind to yourself. That's an important lesson to learn. Be kind to yourself.
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