The Rub

And this is the rub.

Uncomfortable reading. Yes. 

Because. I have reached a point over the last year or so. 

A point of clarity and lucidity. There is no alleviation. Those I would stay for would better off anyway.

That if THIS is how my life will be from now on, bereft of heart, mind, and soul...then I see no point. 

I really and truly see no point. 

Nowhere to go to escape it. No One. No Thing. Nothing.

Nothing to aim for or look forward to, just a stretching, yawning road of nothing through a desert littered with shitcuntfuckpiggery. 

If this is my lot for the rest of my days - and I have tried. I have tried. I have tried so fucking hard.

Counselling, SSRIs, drink, twisting myself into knots that I cannot undo, swimming through strange tides -

Then I just see no point now.

I'm done. There's a screaming in my soul that doesn't stop. It screams to be Not Lonely.

And that scream has become a siren call. And one day I shall be brave enough to make that leap. Oblivion is now more attractive than what I live with.

I did try. Please believe me. I tried in every way someone can.

So hello, my name is MrsMiggins. And I am trying to hold on.

And have been all my life.